Solitude
by Happy Sartre
Summary: When Andre and Jade start dating, it doesn't seem that bad. But then Tori falls for Andre, and all she can do is wonder when Andre will open his eyes and realize they belong together. For ashyboo02's Sarah Smiles contest; based on Hannah Peel's Solitude.


_Okay, bit of explanation first: basically, after Tori Tortures Teacher, Beck and Jade decide that they're sick of text-fighting and break up. Therefore, when Andre falls for Jade in Jade Gets Crushed, he decides to ask her out. Months later, there's this story. _

_Here's the song, if you want to take a listen: http:/www. youtube. com/watch?v=gvhrVg21rLI_

~O~

_I held a fragment in my mind  
><em>_A once old jeweled piece  
><em>_A treasure of mine  
><em>_But now a fade has pulled down the blinds_

I curled up on my bed, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the blare of my alarm clock. I had been dreaming—I had been dreaming a wonderful dream, but I could only feel it slipping further and further away as my alarm clock assaulted my ears and the sun pierced my eyelids. _Me, Andre, hot cocoa in a little cabin in Switzerland, a blue acoustic guitar—_

Trina barged into my room and threw off my blankets, yelling at me about eating the last protein bar or something. I groaned in defeat and sat up.

"I didn't eat the last protein bar," I said, scowling at her.

"Well, who else would have? Besides, I specifically told you that I'm on a diet and protein bars are the only thing I can eat for breakfast! You're _obviously_ the one that ate it, why would Mom or Dad—"

"Okay, you know what?" I wrenched open my nightstand drawer, took out my wallet and threw a twenty dollar bill at her. "Here, here's some money! Go buy a whole box of protein bars!"

Trina raised an eyebrow at me questioningly. I never gave her money. "Okay, Miss Crankypants…" she said, carefully folding up the twenty and sticking down the front of her shirt. She walked out of my room.

I turned off the alarm clock and fell backwards onto my bed, covering my face with my pillow. So much for recovering that dream.

With a deep ache in my chest, I pulled myself out of bed and began to get dressed, tossing a sweatshirt over my tank top and changing into ripped skinny jeans. Waking up was always one of the worst moments of my day. Every night, I would have a beautiful dream about Andre, and then I would wake up, realize it was something that would never happen, and be overcome with sorrow. What made it worse was that I was never able to remember the dream fully—it was only a fragment of a precious gemstone that would slip out of my mind as soon as I woke up.

I picked up a brush and turned to my vanity mirror. I began brushing through my snarled hair, wondering why I even bothered. As if anyone would notice if I put effort into my looks. As if Andre would notice.

Nonetheless, the rhythmic movements of the brush through my hair were comforting, so I kept at it.

An image from last night's dream popped up in my mind. The hot cocoa that we had been drinking had marshmallows in it, and the marshmallows formed a little heart. I closed my eyes and shook my head, thinking about what how trite that was. But still, I tucked away the image in the back of my mind for safe-keeping.

My hair was smooth now, but I kept brushing. I really didn't want to go to school. It hurt too much to see Andre, and it would be such a relief to just fake sick and stay how.

I rolled my eyes and put down the brush, then began to pack my school bag. I had that thought every single day, but I never went through on it. It had just become part of my daily routine.

That didn't mean it hurt any less to see Andre and…Jade be together. They had been together for over three months now, which was much longer than anyone had expected. The relationship was so wrong, and she so wasn't right for him. She was nasty and mean, and I had absolutely no idea what he saw in her. Ever since they started dating, Andre was becoming more and more subdued, only hanging out with Jade and never with the rest of us. Never with me. He used to be talkative and funny, but no more. He had faded, and it was Jade's fault. I often thought about talking to him about it, but he would never listen to me. He never even _noticed_ me anymore—it was all just Jade, Jade, _Jade_.

I wiped at my eyes and decided not to put on makeup. Too messy, too time consuming.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed out the door. Let's see if I can make it through today.

_I wonder if this grief had met a thousand eyes before mine  
><em>_Oh does it just laugh and tease and play us for fools?  
><em>'_Cause now she sits and sees your eyes as I once did  
><em>_As I once did_

I sat down at the usual lunch table, some sort of odd-smelling enchilada on my plate. Festus said it was a 'Yerbian specialty.' I pushed away the food and rested my head on my hand, waiting for the others to show up.

Cat and Robbie appeared only a moment later. They didn't even notice me as they sat down, because they were too wrapped up in their own conversation.

I wondered if Jade and Andre would even sit with us today. They rarely do anymore, instead opting to go get food at the local pizza place or just sit at their own table. However, the second I finished my thought, Jade sat down. How ironic.

"I really don't care what's going on with you guys, but I know you're going to tell me anyway," Jade said.

"Okay, Cat and I are having a debate," Robbie said. "Cat says that a centaur's belly button is on the human's stomach, but I think that it's on the horse's stomach. And when you think about it, it _should_ be on the horse's stomach because—"

"You're an idiot, Robbie," Jade cut in. "Horses don't have belly buttons."

"Yes, they do! Horses are mammals, so therefore in the womb they get nutrients from an umbilical cord, which is connected to a belly button."

Jade rolled her eyes. "This is a stupid conversation."

My heart skipped a beat as I saw Andre heading to the table. He was holding a coffee cup and a plate with two slices of pizza. He sat down next to Jade, and handed her the coffee cup.

"How's my favorite girl?" he said, kissing her temple and putting his arm around her. I inhaled sharply and balled my hand into a fist under the table. I thought that seeing them together would get easier as time went by, but instead it just became harder and harder with each passing day.

Jade shrugged. "No better than usual." She didn't even thank him for the coffee, and instead just gave him a passive glance before sipping on her caffeine.

With a twinge of pain, I looked down. Jade took Andre for granted. She gave him the same look that I used to give him—like he would always be there, like he was a figure who wouldn't even _think_ of going away. She didn't see him the same way she saw Beck. She loved Beck. With Andre, even though she would kiss him and hold hands with him, she didn't treat him like a boyfriend. While here _I_ am, longing to take her place and give Andre the love he deserves.

Lost in my thoughts, I smirked a little. I realized that I wasn't the first person to be in a situation like this, and I certainly wouldn't be the last. I'm pretty sure I'd seen a bunch of romantic comedies where the lead actress had to suffer through seeing her love/best friend be with someone else. At my old high school, two of my friends went through this same thing. This must have happened a thousand times before to a thousand different people. I wasn't anything special, not even close.

So why did it still hurt so much?

You know, I hope somebody was getting a kick out of my misery. What's the name of that goddess of love—Venus, or something? Yeah, her. I hope that she gets a nice laugh out of all of this, and a nice laugh out of all the other hapless fools who have to watch their beloved fall for someone else. I've decided that she must not just be the goddess of love, but also the goddess of grief. I wasn't even this sad when my grandmother died—how awful is that?

I was wrenched out of my thoughts when Cat put her hand on my shoulder.

"Tori? Are you okay? You seem really sad," she said, looking very concerned.

"Oh, I'm fine," I said. I looked over at Andre, and saw that he didn't even notice. He was too busy tucking a strand of hair behind Jade's ear as she smirked in self-satisfaction.

I pursed my lips. "You know, I need to go find Trina. I think she took my boots." With that, I stood up and walked away.

Andre, why are you so blind?

_I wish I was with thee  
><em>_Doors now I stand endlessly  
><em>_Why is she better than me?  
><em>_Better than me?_

I couldn't wander around campus forever, and soon Sikowitz's class was going to start. Once the highlight of my day, it was something that I now struggled to get through, because it was the only period of the day that I had with Andre, Jade, and Beck. And Jade was always _all_ _over_ Andre in this class, in order to get back at Beck and try to make him jealous. It never worked, though, because he had completely moved on. Of course, that only made her try harder to get a reaction out of him, and it made me want to cry even more.

Each day, I would arrive late to class. I didn't mean to, but it just became harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other as I got closer to the classroom. Then, once I did reach it, my feet would turn into lead and I couldn't step over the threshold. For what felt like an endless amount of time, I would just stand there at the door and look inside at Andre and Jade.

Today, I created a chant in my head in order to get me to class and through the door on time. _Step left, step right, step left, step right, step left_… It was actually working rather well, and I was going much faster than normal.

The door in sight, I began to slow down. _Step left, step right!_ It didn't work, and I began saying it under my breath. I _can't_ let this happen—I have to get to class no matter how much seeing Jade and Andre drives a wedge in my heart.

I can't help it. By the time I've reached the door, my feet come to a stop, and all I can do is look inside.

Surprise surprise. There's Andre and Jade, making out in the corner. Jade breaks away in order to look back at Beck, and when she sees that he isn't watching, she goes right back to lip-locking with Andre.

I lean my head on the doorway and bite the inside of my cheek. Why Andre, why? Why are you with her? Why aren't you with me? Why is she better than me? _How_ is she better than me? Can't you see that she's just using you? When will you wake up and see that I'm here for you, that I'd do anything for you, that I'm _better_ for you?

Someone nudges past me as they walk into the room, inadvertently making me step inside as well. I sigh, and head over to Robbie and Cat and sit next to them. They're_ still _arguing about the centaurs.

Even though every bit of common sense I have tells me not to, I look over at Andre and Jade. Still kissing.

God, please, make this stop.

_The look on your face as she moves near  
><em>_My eyes start to burn, oh why don't they close?  
><em>_I just want to see why she is better, better than me  
><em>_Better than me_

Jade and Andre are performing a scene onstage. The improv situation is that Jade's a ghost, and Andre just found her locket.

"But who does this belong to?" Andre said, studying the picture inside the locket. "There's no name, just a picture of the most beautiful girl."

"It's me," Jade whispered, crouching in the back corner of the stage.

"Who was that?" Andre said, looking around in surprise.

Jade stood up. "It's me, darling."

Andre frowned and scratched his head. "I feel like somebody's talking to me, but I'm alone."

"Oh, my sweet, sweet darling," Jade whispered as she crept up behind Andre. "If only you could know."

I scowled inwardly. '_If only you could know'—I can't believe that it's JADE saying that._

Jade stepped in front of Andre, and his eyes lit up.

"You!" he said. "You're the girl in the locket!" As she stepped closer to him, he looked at her so adoringly that it started to make me feel sick. Poor Andre. He was so hopelessly in love with Jade, and she didn't deserve it one bit.

My eyes begin to burn as she steps even closer to him and puts her hand under his chin, pulling him towards her for a kiss. Even during an acting scene, Jade? Really? Well, it's not that much different from the rest of your time with him. You're _always_ acting with him and pretending that you care. Even if the others can't tell, _I _can see through your ruse. All you want is to make Beck jealous. You're just playing with Andre's emotions, and you don't care about whether you break his heart or not, you sick girl.

As his lips touch hers, I can't help but feel like this is my fault. If I never had to cram for that stupid Tech Theatre test, then I could have sung that song for Andre instead of Jade, and he would have never fallen for her. I never even realized how I felt about Andre until after he and Jade got together.

Great timing, I know.

I force myself to not look away while they kiss. I stare at Jade, trying to figure out what possibly could make her better than me. She's not prettier than me, she's not funnier than me, and she definitely isn't nicer than me. I just _don't get it_.

I close my eyes and shake my head slowly. If I had realized my feelings just a week sooner, or decided that passing Tech Theatre wasn't worth it, then maybe it could be me kissing Andre up there.

Maybe.

I make a small, pained noise as realization hits me. I was _so close_. I had Andre so close, and now he's slipped through my fingers, and I can't do anything about it. If I try to tell him that Jade isn't right for him, then he won't believe me. He'll just think that I'm trying to sabotage his relationship. Andre's _never_ been as serious about a girlfriend before as he is about Jade, and he'll hate me if I say that she's using him.

I can't have him. I'm completely alone.

Cat touches my arm comfortingly. "Tori? Tori, are you okay?"

I squeeze my eyes tighter as a few tears slip out, and I press my hand firmly over my mouth. I shake my head, and Cat removes my hand from mouth.

"Tori, please, tell me what's wrong."

The bell rings, and I flee from class, leaving Cat behind as she called out my name. My eyes are so blurry that I can barely see in front of me, and as I try to take deep steady breaths, sobs break out.

I still have two classes left, but I can't take it. I can't deal with this. I walk through the front doors, and head home.

_I wish I was with thee  
><em>_Doors now I stand endlessly  
><em>_I am out here stripped of you  
><em>_Hung in all my solitude_

It's nine o'clock at night, and I stumble up the steps of Andre's house. After I got home, I had the house to myself. I needed something to dull the emotions that were overwhelming me, so I went to my parents' liquor cabinet. I poured out a shot from each bottle (just enough that my parents wouldn't miss it), and drank a whole can of beer. When I was done, I felt wonderful. Everything was foggy, and what had been a searing pain in my heart turned into the ache from this morning. However, I knew that I reeked of alcohol, and Trina was going to be home at any moment. I wrote a note saying I was going to Cat's, stuck it on the fridge, and left.

The alcohol had knocked down all my inhibitions, and I knew where I was going. I was going to Andre's, and I was going to tell him everything. I didn't care what he thought, I didn't care what he said, all I knew was that if I didn't do it, then I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Because this sadness, this wretched pain at seeing him with Jade—that wasn't going to go away. Ever. Not unless I told him how I felt, and made up for what I hadn't done before.

The only problem was that I got lost on my way to his house. I had gone to Andre's many times before, but the alcohol running through my veins really messed up my sense of direction. Also, traveling on foot is really slow.

The sun had already set by the time I finally walked up the driveway of Andre's house, and the alcohol was wearing off. My reason was coming back, and as I stared at his front door I wondered if I should just head back home. I knew that Andre wouldn't want me butting into his relationship with Jade, especially since he thought it was going so good.

I stood there, my hands resting on his door as I breathed deeply and tried to figure out what I should do. I thought back to my breakdown in Sikowitz's class. I realized that if I didn't do this right now, then _every_ day would feel like that moment.

Before I could stop myself, I raised my fist and pounded on the door.

"Andre! Andre, I need to talk to you!" I yelled.

I could hear someone running down the hall, and a moment later Andre opened the door. He immediately enveloped me in his arms, and I melted into him.

"Tori," he said, rubbing my back. "I've been texting you ever since you ran out of Sikowitz's class. What's going on, girl? You okay?"

He pulled back, but I kept my hands on his shoulders. Just touching him gave me courage.

"Andre," I said, fighting back tears. It was now or never.

"Jade is just using you," I said quickly. My words were slurring together slightly, and they were coming out in a rush. "I know you care about her, but she doesn't care about you—not at all. She's just using you to get back at Beck, but you've fallen so hard for her that you can't even _see_. Jade is nasty and coldhearted, and I know that she's going to break your heart. She's not right for you, and she _doesn't deserve you!_ Andre, you're my best friend, and I care about you a thousand times more than she does. It hurts me _so much_ to see you two together every single day. She's so controlling, and you and I barely talk anymore. I'm so lonely without you, Andre. I want to be with you, and I would cherish you and I would treat you right. Jade doesn't appreciate you and it wouldn't matter to her if you dropped off the face of the Earth, but I would _die_ for you. Andre, I know that you probably hate me for saying all of this, but I don't care. I'm doing this because I have to, and because I love you." I breathed deeply, feeling free now that all of this was off my chest. "I. Love. You."

I stood there for a moment as Andre looked at me. I couldn't read his expression in the dim light.

I knew that I made a mistake. He hated me now. What little relationship I still had with him had been stripped away and he would never talk to me again. All I could do was stand there, my words hanging in the air, waiting for his judgment. Standing there at his doorway and waiting for him to say something—_anything—_felt endless.

I sighed and just threw up my hands. "Well, what do you have to say now? I just bared my soul to you and gave you my heart, so what are you going to do?"

Andre stepped forward, and wrapped his arms around me. I stiffened for a moment, but then relaxed into him. Oh my God, did I finally just do something _right_…?

Andre tilted my face up to his and kissed me, and I began to wonder if this was real, or just another one of my dreams. But at that moment, I didn't care.

After months of solitude, I finally made a connection, and I was no longer alone.

I had Andre.

~O~

_Eh, not too sure I like this ending. I originally wanted to end with Tori still waiting for Andre's response, but I felt like this angst-fest needed a happy ending. _

_What do you think, readers? Review and let me know~!_


End file.
